


Window Shopping

by mnemosius



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam-watching: Ronan's favorite sport, M/M, Pre-Slash, eventually into canon or post canon slash we'll see, more to come later - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:17:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemosius/pseuds/mnemosius
Summary: Watching someone and looking away with "practiced disinterest" isn't a skill achieved overnight. Especially if your name is Ronan Lynch, and you're looking at someone like Adam.





	1. Chapter 1

Practiced disinterest was one way of putting it, but Ronan had never been good about practicing anything he didn't love fiercely. Pretending he wasn't looking at Adam was not something he loved doing.

The first time Ronan caught himself staring wasn't long after Gansey had introduced Adam to their little group, and long before he admitted to himself exactly what he was doing. It was during Adam's first introduction to Monmouth Manufacturing.

Adam had warned Gansey that he'd be coming in late, as today he was in charge of the oil changes at work and state inspections were coming up. Gansey, ever the prince, had told Adam he was welcome anytime. Ronan hadn't been a part of the conversation, because Gansey had forcibly put a hand between him and Adam in case he felt like lunging. Ronan didn't, but only because he didn't like the way Adam reacted to it the last time. Flashes of fear and surprise were fun to watch; empty resignation made Ronan's stomach lurch. 

So this time Ronan made sure he had other distractions, excuses for rapping his knuckles against the wall and slapping his hands on his thighs, because at least that counted as good behavior. Everything was excusable with electronica and massive fuckoff headphones. Especially lying in bed, pretending he wasn't afraid of closing his eyes, which is what he fully intended to do until Gansey politely told him to come out and say hello or have Adam come in his room instead. Ronan picked the more tolerable option. 

Adam wasn't looking at Ronan when he slouched out of his room. He was looking at what had drawn the attention of every other visitor to Monmouth Manufacturing before: the books. Staggering piles, the crumbling evidence of a stack doomed to fall, and papers kept in a haphazard organization that should have appeared chaotic, but teetered precariously at the edge of inspired instead. Unlike most of the other visitors, he wasn't gaping. Adam's eyes were sharp and curious, and Ronan watched him take it all in for a moment, until he noticed the way Adam's hands were hovering awkwardly around the area of his pockets without actually being in them. His thumbs jutted out, just by what looked like a oil-stained rag tucked neatly into the side of shorts that were easily the dirtiest things Ronan had ever seen the other boy wear. There was still an odd sheen to them, something in the way he rubbed his forefinger and thumb together without thinking, that made it suddenly very difficult to look away. 

Music was still thudding just below Ronan's ears where his headphones rested around his neck, but he wasn't sure what was playing anymore. Adam's thumb was moving toward his pocket again, stopping only at the last second as practicality overwhelmed absentmindedness. 

Music thudded in his ears again. Ronan blinked. It was a voice. He looked up to see Adam staring at him, back to looking that combination of distant and defensive he'd had going for his first while at Aglionby. And he'd clearly seen Ronan staring. He considered his options. 

"The fuck, Parrish? Never heard of washing your hands?"

There was probably a response. There was certainly a weary apology Ronan caught Gansey saying as he stalked back to his room, headphones playing music almost as fast as his heartbeat. 

That was the first time.

***

It took some time for Ronan to stop finding excuses to avoid properly meeting Adam, but even he caved to the inevitable truth that if Gansey wanted them to, it would happen. "Parrish," a panic response more than anything, stuck. It made him want to punch a wall almost as much as everything that came out of Adam's mouth did. He should have known anyone Gansey decided to befriend would be this fucking smart. To Ronan's endless anger, Adam could more than keep up with Gansey's endless chatter about Glendower and the ley line and the many wonders of Henrietta. As a local, he brought in a new perspective, and as a clever bastard, he was able to use it. He could force his way through Gansey's books without slowing, even while getting better grades than Ronan in school (which he didn't care about) and working on cars and God knows what else in his spare time (which he was grudgingly impressed by, but would never admit). Adam was going to stay, and as much as Ronan hated to admit it, it felt right that he would.

To Ronan's endless delight, Adam was also an asshole. Fighting with Gansey was like snapping at Matthew: it accomplished nothing and Ronan had never hated himself more. Adam fought back, always with the same weary-angry look or not bothering to look at Ronan at all. It made his blood surge. 

"Do you even know how to drive a car, Parrish?"

"Better than you," came Adam's reply. He looked up once, just to pin Ronan down. "I've seen what you do to your car. At least the Pig has the excuse of being old."

Ronan stared at him, sneer firmly in place, until eventually Adam sighed and turned back to his textbook. A strand of his dusty hair, not yet cropped short, fell over his eye and was brushed away gently by a hand. The crease between his eyes was back, and Ronan wondered what it would take to make a smile fit on his face instead. He had an idea for a shopping cart, an empty parking lot, and a lot of new scabs. 

Maybe this new group could work out after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's side of the window, looking in, and out for himself. Moving towards the start of canon slowly.

Adam wasn't used to people staring. Before Aglionby, the absence of eyes on him was a tangible thing: Robert Parrish was a known figure in Henrietta, liked enough for his sins to be ignored by the neighbors and unknown enough to avoid the attention of the police. It seemed like everyone knew what was happening to Adam, and just didn't care. He knew it wasn't as simple as that, but Adam was done with making excuses for Henrietta. He wanted to get away from more than just his father. 

When Adam arrived at Aglionby, he was worried that people would notice him, notice the wrong things about him. In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to worry about. All new students got their fair share of gawking, but once it was established that you weren't someone important or someone who was fun - Adam was about as far away from the typical Aglionby boy's idea of fun as it was possible to be - you were ignored. If you made deliberate efforts to shove attention away, you were ignored that much faster. The politics of propriety were different here, but it turned out that even people from Henrietta's dust and from the gilded mansions of the world had a shared understanding of minding their own business... at least in public. Once everyone figured out that Adam wasn't the son of a rich somebody and didn't have any parties to throw, attention slowly shifted away. Adam was invisible at Aglionby in an entirely different way from his former school, and he'd made his peace with that. 

Then Gansey came into the picture. Adam had a feeling that happened a lot - people had certain expectations, plans in place, understandings of how the world noticed or didn't notice them, and then Gansey happened to them. Adam found himself noticed by the boy who had everyone's respect and adoration... and by the venomous shadow that followed him around. 

There was nothing subtle or practiced about the way Ronan eyed him up the first time. Adam cycled through indignation, considered fear for a few healthy seconds, and then finally settled for defensive. He hadn't done anything to earn the ire of Aglionby's most savagely handsome student, and he didn't care. But then Gansey asked him to teach him to fix his own car, and then he asked for help with Latin, and then finally Adam somehow found Gansey agreeing for him that he'd come visit him at Monmouth Manufacturing. Adam still got a little dizzy when he tried to parse out the million elegant, practiced steps Gansey followed in crafting an offer Adam couldn't refuse and then accepting it for him.

Ronan still hadn't said a word to him. He just stared, and eventually stopped doing even that. Adam slowly moved from defensive to wary, and slowly to something a little more confused. If he had been anyone else, he might have thought it was jealousy. 

So Adam visited Monmouth. The building was massive, dilapidated, and filled with towers of books and one giant mint plant that looked like it had more life in it than the withered tree in the yard by the trailer. It also had Gansey, bright-eyed and enthusiastic and somehow both more and less real than the world around him, and Adam started to really consider the idea that he might be coming back here more than once. And then Ronan lurched into sight, stared at Adam's hands, and proceeded to make Adam's face burn with humiliation before disappearing again. 

"I'm so sorry about Ronan," Gansey said, actually wringing his hands a little. Adam hadn't known people did that outside of books. "He takes a while to warm up to people."

Adam shoved his hands into his pockets, painfully aware that these shorts were just getting worse by the moment. "Does he always act like such an asshole?"

To Adam's surprise, Gansey just hummed a little. "Perhaps. I think it's more that you learn to hear what he's actually saying, and then he seems like less of one."

"So you're saying he wasn't mocking me?"

"I'm saying you caught him off-guard," Gansey said gently. "And that it'll be a while before he gets better. I'll do my best to make him behave, but it's your choice to give him a chance or write him off. He does have his own room, after all. If he wants to hide from you all the time, he can."

Adam wasn't sure why Ronan of all people would hide from him, but a part of him was already flitting back to Ronan's stare. It hadn't been anger, or at least not directed at him. There had been a flash of - interest, Adam supposed, for lack of s better word. And if that was the worst Ronan would throw at him, well. 

Adam had put up with worse for less. He looked at Gansey. "So, what's this about a Welsh king?"

Gansey beamed at him. "Why, I'm glad you asked."

*** 

"Why did I agree to do this with you?"

Ronan's grin was sharp and more vivid than it had any right to be. "Because you wanted to have some fucking fun, Parrish. Get in the cart."

"If you push me over for the hell of it-"

Adam watched Ronan roll his eyes. "I'm not going to. Ready?"

This was a terrible idea. Adam gripped the edges of the shopping cart and hid a shiver at the feeling of Ronan's gaze sweeping over his back. "Ready."

Adam couldn't see it, but he felt Ronan's answering grin, and then they were moving. Ronan pushed the cart into a sprint, turned, leapt on it with a whoop, and then clung onto it and Adam with arms that were unfairly strong as they careened toward the edge of the lot. Adam was smiling despite himself, could hear Ronan's wild laughter in his ears, and then they hit a bump. Both of them went flying. Ronan didn't let go of him and together they skidded at least five feet before collapsing, groaning, next to each other on the asphalt. 

"My arm feels like it's on fire."

Adam turned in time to see Ronan grinning at him, skin red and raw all the way up the side of his face and the edge of his nose. Adam was lying on top of Ronan's arm, he noticed; the extra bit of elevation was probably the only reason his face didn't look the same. Ronan's eyes were bright and looking right at him, and he pulled his arm back without comment. Adam felt vaguely disappointed for reasons he didn't have words for. 

"That, Parrish, is how you know you're having fun." 

Adam shoved him, and they both started laughing. He could still feel Ronan looking at him, but he didn't feel wary now. Maybe this intensity was just what Ronan brought to everything, not just shopping cart crashes and sharper-edged words. 

Maybe his staring when he thought Adam couldn't see was just normal for Ronan. Either way, Adam no longer minded. He looked at his arm, assessed the damage, and then observed the wheels still turning on the now-dented cart. He turned to look at Ronan, who immediately looked away. 

"Want to go again?"

Ronan's gaze snapped back into focus. His grin widened into the shape of something Adam liked a little more. It wasn't any less sharp or honest, but it was better all the same.

"I knew you'd come around."


	3. Chapter 3

It did not take long for Ronan to realize that Adam had a temper. 

Ronan was happy to admit that he was not the easiest person to be friends with. He had made himself into who he was: a collection of sharp edges, cruel lines, and words that carried more venom than any other sentiment. It was also largely a front, but it was a very good one that no one other than Matthew was allowed to see anymore. Gansey had seen him once, but that was before. Ronan wasn’t sure he had it in himself to be that unguarded anymore. 

So. Ronan was an asshole, he had made himself an asshole, and he had made his peace with that. That said, he did not go around trying purposefully to make people angry. If someone was angered or frustrated with Ronan just for being himself, that was one thing. But unless provoked, he didn’t make a habit of hurting anyone. Pushing someone until they snapped and something flared behind their eyes was pastime of his, but there was a difference between a spark and a bonfire. Adam, it seemed, did not view being hurt as a requirement for burning. 

Monmouth in winter wasn’t much of a refuge against the cold. It kept what little snow there was off Ronan and Gansey’s heads, but it was hard to manage insulation when over half the windows had shards of glass missing. Both of the boys had portable space heaters to keep the worst of the cold at bay, but the best defense against the creeping chill was either a mountain of blankets or staggering amounts of obliviousness. Ronan wasn’t capable of the latter at all, and Gansey’s hunt for Glendower was harder to manage when every step outside bit into his skin. As such, the lumpy couch that had made its way into what served as a living room at Monmouth was covered in enough blankets and pillows to make another two couches and still have some left over. 

Adam had come over a little while after school at Gansey’s bequest, to help him sift through a new pile of manuscripts recently added to JSTOR from a Welshman’s private collection after he had passed. Ronan had stepped foot into JSTOR once for a Latin project he was somewhat curious about, and then he found his father’s body. Gansey hadn’t bothered to ask Ronan after what had happened to Gansey’s first laptop, but he was still there for the event. Drag racers, as it turned out, migrated with the heat. If you couldn’t have the window open to feel the rush of air tearing into your skin, what was the point?

Adam came into Monmouth with the barest dusting of snow covering his hair and eyelashes, almost distracting enough to keep Ronan from noticing the massive shadows beneath his eyes. Ronan stared at him while the other boy took off his threadbare coat and hung it carefully on the makeshift coathooks, and looked away just in time for Adam to turn and come further inside.

“I can only stay for an hour,” Adam said, brushing past the nearest pile of books to where Gansey had set up his little research nook in the back corner. “I’m supposed to help with changing in some winter tires later.” 

Gansey turned away from his screen to smile at Adam. “An hour is as good a start as any. I’m trying to do a keyword search, but their system isn’t the most discerning, I’m afraid. I’m starting with the ‘kings’ search angle - would you mind seeing what comes up with a more arcane angle?”

Ronan tilted his head from where he was burrowed into the leftmost side of the couch. “Arcane as in secret or arcane as in magical?” Gansey blinked, then turned to look at him in surprise. Adam mirrored the expression, and Ronan smirked. “Not the best word choice for specific search, man.”

Gansey shook himself out of it, and smiled even wider. “Arcane as in magical, I suppose. Ronan, why can’t you ever use your oddly specific knowledge in class?”

Ronan gave him a look. “Because it’s boring.” It was also killing him slowly, strangling him in a way his fucking tie could only envy, but Gansey’s understanding of Ronan’s hatred of Aglionby had limits. Adam was still staring at him, so Ronan just sneered at him and burrowed his way further under the blankets to hide how he could feel the tips of his ears heating.

“I’ll start looking for anything magic, then,” Adam said, after a pause. “Can I take the laptop to the couch?” 

“By all means.”

Ronan tried to ignore the sudden shifting of the couch’s weight to his right as Adam settled in, and pulled out his headphones and cranked the volume higher. It was easy at this angle to watch how Adam’s brow furrowed as he peered at the screen, seeing how easily focus settled in behind Adam’s eyes. Adam glanced at him, just once, and Ronan turned over to avoid answering. 

After about half an hour, Ronan’s playlist ended, and he felt something shift again a couple feet to his right. He chanced a look, and saw that Adam’s eyes had fluttered shut, his head lolling to the side against the pillow. Gansey hadn’t noticed - he was busy writing frantically in his journal, on yet another piece of paper he’d somehow crammed into the already stuffed bindings. It was safe for Ronan to look. 

Ronan hadn’t seen Adam sleeping before, and the difference in his expression was startling. His delicate features were normally so sharply defined, drawn into a frown or kept carefully even that the strain from that self-control was as clearly visible as the mess of freckles. Adam always looked tired, Ronan realized, now they he could see what Adam’s face looked like when exhaustion wasn’t written clearly across his face. Softer wasn’t the right term for it - Ronan wasn’t sure Adam was capable of being soft any more than he was - but he looked calmer. It was a good look on him, and when Ronan finished staring, he closed his eyes and slipped into sleep as well. 

Two hours passed before Ronan woke up to the sound of Adam’s voice.

“What time is it?”

It didn’t seem to be addressed to anyone in particular. Adam’s voice was tight, sharper than Ronan had ever heard it, and it brought every molecule in his body to full attention. He force himself to sit up and slid his headphones down to around his neck instead. Adam’s face was drawn, and Ronan noticed with interest that one of his hands was currently balled into a fist around a corner of the blankets. 

Gansey shook himself out of his study reverie, and glanced at his watch. “Just a little past five, it seems.” It hit him a second later. “Oh.” 

“Yes,” Adam said, and now Ronan could hear it. If it hadn’t been so damned freezing, he would’ve expected a heat haze around Adam’s head. The blanket was twisted further. “I was supposed to be at work almost two hours ago.”

Gansey blinked. “I’m terribly sorry, Adam. I completely lost track of time. Would you like me to call ahead to your garage and explain the situation? I’d be happy to.”

“No,” Adam said, too evenly. “I would not.” He turned to Ronan next, and something behind Adam’s gaze made Ronan immediately defensive. “And what about you? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

_Because I was sleeping. Because you look like you haven’t slept in days, and I’m sure as fuck not going to take that away from you._

“Why do I give a shit if you’re late to work?” Ronan snapped. 

There was a dull thump, and Ronan noticed that Adam’s other hand was currently occupied by trying to punch through one of the pillows. Adam stood abruptly, the blankets falling off him. “I need to go.” He stalked past Ronan, shoved one of Ronan’s legs out of the way, and was out the door a second later, leaving only a cold gust of air from the still-open door as a sign that he was ever there. 

“I think this was my fault,” Gansey said, sounding wretchedly guilty about it. 

Ronan sagged against the pillows again, all the energy in him gone the second Adam was. “Not your fault Parrish was dead on his feet, man.” Gansey made another apologetic-sounding noise, and Ronan tugged his headphones back into place. 

All that anger, and most of it went right back into Adam. Ronan knew what that felt like. He wondered what he could do to help get it out of Adam, and then hated himself a little more for caring.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a long time before Adam learned that Ronan was capable of a smile without edges. It also took the presence of the other Lynch siblings, whom Adam had long been curious about.

Declan Lynch was the first, and even though everything about him was smoothed over where Ronan was jagged and sharp, the resemblance was easy to spot. Both Ronan and Declan held themselves like weapons; the only difference was that Declan was a gun pointed only at targets he deemed worthy of his charm or harsh words, and Ronan was a bomb waiting to go off at anyone foolish enough to get too close. Adam found he preferred Ronan, if only because he was so used to the other boy’s scornful honesty that someone else wearing a similar face and speaking mostly in lies was incredibly unnerving. Ronan hated Declan, and it seemed the feeling was mutual. Most of the time they left their meetings bleeding, uncaring of whether or not Adam or Gansey or anyone else was there to witness the fallout. 

Matthew, though, was a different story. If Ronan didn’t treat him the way he did, Adam wouldn’t have thought they were related at all. Everything about Matthew was golden sunlight, innocence and happy smiles personified in a boy who looked like he hadn’t ever had a care in the world. Adam expected to hate him, but found that hating Matthew was more or less an impossible task. He was unfailingly nice to everyone, entirely clueless about people trying to be mean to him, and he adored Ronan. 

That wasn’t the weirdest part for Adam. Seeing how Ronan acted around Matthew got that honor. 

“And then we went on a boat ride to catch up with the crew team, because Charles has a thing about races even though we had a motor and they didn’t, and then he was really mad when we still lost, and then we went to the bank to chill because it was so nice out and then…”

Ronan placed a hand on Matthew’s curls, the motion oddly gentle. Adam caught a glimpse of the motion and was immediately snared. “Slow down, man. Don’t speak while you eat or you’ll just spray it everywhere.”

Matthew dutifully closed his mouth and finished his burger. The four of them - Matthew, Ronan, Gansey and Adam were all at a greasy little diner called Nino’s, currently on a quest to discover if ordering burgers at a pizza parlor would result in better or worse fare than the pizza they normally served, a low bar to meet. Adam had abstained, because he had his doubts and also not enough money to justify such a gamble. Gansey was currently looking a little green, half of his burger untouched in a slowly-widening puddle of grease on his plate. Ronan had eaten his with the grace of a trash compactor and looked completely unaffected, and Matthew seemed to be doing the same. It was the first sibling trait Adam had noticed these two Lynch brothers sharing. 

Matthew swallowed the last bite, and then turned expectantly to Ronan. “Want to hear about the time I got chased by a goose?”

Ronan grinned, and Adam gave up any pretense of not staring. The grin sat easily on Ronan’s face, looking like it fit there in a way Adam hadn’t thought possible. It was as soft around the edges as Matthew was, and Adam tried to fit it in with the image he had of Ronan in his head and failed miserably. 

“Go for it,” Ronan said, and pushed the rest of his drink towards Matthew, who took it eagerly. Adam hadn’t noticed that Matthew had already finished his. Matthew resumed his chatter. And the smile stayed on Ronan’s face, a testament to how little Adam actually knew about the boy sitting to his right. 

Adam looked at Gansey to see if he was equally unsettled, and found that Gansey, for once, wasn’t looking either serious or smiling. His face had instead comported into an expression that nudged the edges of sad, or possibly even wistful. He caught Adam’s glance and shook his head, just a little. _Later._

***  
“I didn’t know Ronan could smile like that,” Adam commented. He and Gansey were in the Pig heading back to Monmouth; Ronan was giving his brother a ride back to his dorm. 

“He doesn’t often,” Gansey said, no longer bothering to keep an even expression. “But he used to.”

Adam knew about the Lynch family history. Everyone did. Adam also suspected others would have felt a rush of sympathy for Ronan, but Adam wasn’t sure he was capable of that, and he was sure that Ronan wouldn’t have wanted any part of it anyway. “Before…?”

Gansey sighed and shifted gears. The Pig rattled in support, or possibly complaint. “Yes. Nowadays it’s just Matthew who can make him smile like that. Goodness knows I’ve been trying to as well, but I haven’t managed it once. I don’t even know if it’s a conscious thing for him anymore.”

Adam had seen Ronan’s other brands of smiles. They weren’t all pleasant, but they weren’t all bad either. “I don’t think it fits him as well.”

Gansey glanced over at him. “You think it doesn’t suit him to smile?”

“Not like that,” Adam said, then frowned. “That didn’t come out right.”

“It’s not a smile meant for people,” Gansey said, sounding wistful again. “I think he keeps it for people and things that aren’t capable of starting fights with him.”

“Which is just Matthew,” Adam said. It made sense. So much of Ronan was crafted to keep people at arm’s length, and that smile did anything but. 

“For now it would seem so. With luck, not forever.”

Adam tried to imagine Ronan smiling like that with someone else. Ronan smiling in a way that beckoned him closer, instead of promising a sharp twist of words that might as well have been a knife. He didn’t see how that would work, but a very small part of him was tempted to try anyway. Adam shoved that part of him down with the justification for why he kept a catalogue of men dressed sharply under his bed, and turned his attention back to the work he had to do before tonight’s shift. 

Adam kept the memory of that smile with him, though. It was a reminder that letting himself believe Ronan was just who he made himself appear to be would always be a mistake.


	5. Chapter 5

Blue happened. 

Ronan had been accused of many things, but he knew enough about himself to know what he kept a secret and what he could recognize in others. There were some words he’d never say, especially not to himself, and then there were other words he recognized applied to himself and to others. 

“God,” Gansey had said in an awed voice, “that was a nightmare.”

“That couldn’t have gone worse if you tried,” Adam had agreed, face still buried in his hands.

Words like that. In hindsight, Ronan really should have known Blue would join Gansey’s pack of mismatched friends. If the golden boy had taken him in, there was little chance he’d turn away a girl almost as bad as he was with the added benefit of being the sort of person Gansey had previously drunkenly admitted to finding “awfully pretty, Ronan.”

What Ronan hadn’t seen coming was Adam’s immediate and all-consuming crush on her. Seeing Gansey newly obsessed with someone was already enough to make the back of Ronan’s neck prickle. Seeing Adam - untouchable, disinterested Adam - go full Henrietta around Blue and slip his fucking hand into hers on the helicopter and even buying her a _single fucking flower_ made something in Ronan feel like it had gone rotten and dead. He wanted to shout, so he drove. He wanted to hit something, so he picked more fights with Declan and told himself it was because his brother was even more of an asshole with his latest girlfriend following him around. And despite himself, he didn’t hate Blue. Ronan saved his hatred for himself, and savagely wished happiness for his friends in his stead.

When they flew to a forest that didn’t belong here, didn’t belong anywhere outside of Ronan’s head, everything got to be too much. He stalked off, leaving the rest of them to think whatever the fuck they wanted to think about him, and leaned his forearm against the nearest tree. The texture was - it felt real. It felt like it did when he saw it in his dreams, and it felt real here too. Fear and Ronan were only rarely on speaking terms, but when a crow cawed loudly right over his head, he felt it shiver up his spine all the same. 

He had died here, once, near this tree. Deeper in, near worse parts of the forest, but still nearby. The night horrors had gotten to him before he could run, and he hadn’t expected to wake up. He had been pathetically grateful for that fact, and then he’d remembered how to open his eyes, started to feel the pain rasping its way through his limbs, and saw Noah’s horrified face instead. 

Ronan didn’t often like his dreams, and he didn’t think he’d like this forest any more now this it was outside of his head as well. He went back to the group.

***

Cabeswater. Written out in his own hand, in his own shitty Latin. Ronan didn’t know what that meant, and when an idea started to come, he shoved it back down with the other one he didn’t let himself think about. He did not know this place. He had not made this place, and he didn’t know about the stump at all.

“You did this,” Adam said, face streaked with mud, tears, and blood. Not all of it was his own, but there was enough of it to make Ronan’s heart seize in his chest. 

“You did this, Ronan,” Adam said, and gestured down, to where Gansey’s body lay unmoving. “You and your fucking need to -” Adam’s voice broke, and Ronan’s heart shattered with it. 

“I didn’t -” Ronan heard himself begin to say, and Adam shook his head, no longer even looking at him. 

“I don’t care, Ronan. You did this.” Adam’s hair fell in front of his eyes. Even from here, Ronan could see the leaves stuck in it. Holly, sharp and bloodied. “Get out.”

“What?” It as a whisper, hurt despite himself.

“Get out,” Adam repeated, and looked up. His face was twisted, a reddened match to the one time Ronan had seen Robert Parrish, drunk and furious with it. “Get out,” Adam repeated, “or I will kill you.” Ronan didn’t say anything, couldn’t move, and Adam lunged for his throat. 

Ronan fell backwards, and Adam dissolved into shadows and bark as Ronan fell on his ass onto the forest earth below. He was shaking, looking around, and saw everyone else emerging as well, similarly shaken. Adam was muttering something to Blue, something about “I would never, I could never,” as much for himself as for Blue. His face was pale and drawn, his eyes a little wild, and Ronan shuddered again, pulling himself back up and shutting his eyes as he leaned against a tree. Adam’s face was no longer the twisted mask it had been inside the hollow, but Ronan wasn’t going to forget how much anger that expression had contained, anger directed squarely at him, any time soon. 

_Greywaren,_ the trees whispered to him. _Greywaren, amamus te. Grata domum._

Ronan didn’t like Cabeswater at all, and the forest didn’t care. Really, he shouldn’t have been surprised when Adam decided to make a deal with it.


	6. Chapter 6

Worry was not an emotion Adam was on very good terms with. Determination, despair, the sort of bone-deep exhaustion that left him too tired to fall asleep… those he was familiar with. Worry for another person was harder. Adam had too much going on in his own life, too much he wanted and too much he needed to do and not nearly enough time for any of it, that paying attention to someone else’s life didn’t come naturally to him. It took a lot for Adam to notice that other people were struggling, or at least it took a lot for Adam to notice and acknowledge that this was something he couldn’t ignore. 

There was, after all, a reason that Adam had never thought highly of himself. Ambition and self-loathing wave not mutually exclusive. 

Regardless, Ronan was becoming a problem. Everyone had been affected differently by Adam’s sacrifice with Cabeswater. Gansey was upset and indignant, Blue had withdrawn, and Adam was slowly starting to see glimpses of people in the corners of his vision that weren’t there when he turned to look. Privately, he thought he had the worst of it, even though he wouldn’t change his decision even if he could. But Ronan… something was different about him as well. 

When Ronan had told them that he’d taken Chainsaw out of his dreams, Adam hadn’t believed him. Even something as otherworldly as Cabeswater followed set rules, rules that Adam could memorize and work with like everything else in his life. There wasn’t anything like that when you suddenly had a boy who could create anything from his mind. Adam couldn’t begin to comprehend that, but when Ronan showed the way his little toy plane could fly without any engine, Adam was forced to rethink his world all over again.

Of course it would be someone like Ronan Lynch. Perhaps all it took to break the rules of the universe was a complete and utter disinterest in the way things were supposed to be. To be a king all he had to do was dream it, and he held small animals in gentle, calloused hands instead.

Adam did not understand Ronan Lynch, and the more he tried to, the less he thought he ever would.

But regardless of Adam’s understanding of Ronan, he knew patterns of deteriorating behavior as well as he knew the bruises that hadn’t yet faded underneath his shirt. Ronan, especially when that asshole Kavinsky was nearby, was displaying a lot of them. He picked fights faster, had a biting comeback to anything anyone said and displayed absolutely zero restraint when it came to using them, and he _wouldn’t stop staring at Adam._ The last part wasn’t anything new—Ronan had been looking at Adam every time he thought Adam wasn’t looking back since they were first introduced—but now it was happening so often that Adam couldn’t ignore it anymore. 

If anyone else had started staring at Adam after the sacrifice, he would have put it down to some part of the change he could feel inside him being visible on the outside as well. He could have dismissed that; he wanted to dismiss that. The issue was that Ronan had been staring at him before the sacrifice as well, and now he was staring at him more, and at Kavinsky more, and all the while his more dangerous proclivities were starting to build. Adam could see the picture being painted, and he didn’t like it. It was only a matter of time before Ronan did something incredibly dangerous and stupid, and right now Adam’s only concern was to get himself out of the blast radius before Ronan went off. He couldn’t save Ronan from himself, and it wasn’t his job to. Adam was too concerned with his own survival to worry about a dreamer who had made himself into a weapon, and he did his best to quiet the not-so-little part of his mind that proceeded to worry anyway.

Still… it was stupid and not something Adam should even let himself consider, but for a moment he did anyway. For a moment, Adam let himself wonder why Ronan was always looking at him, and a moment was all it took for the answer to knock gently at the corner of his heart. 

“There we go,” Gansey said from beside him. His tie was still perfectly fixed, and his suit looked like the way Adam’s ambition’s felt. “That smile right there, Adam. Show that to my mother’s guests and you’ll have them all dazzled.”

Adam hadn’t realized he was smiling, and when he stopped to think about it, he stopped smiling. Gansey shook his head.

“Just a little longer. Whatever you were thinking of to smile like that, do it again. The party’s almost over, and there’s one more lawyer I think you’ll just love to meet.”

Adam sighed, squared his shoulders under his own suit, and let himself wonder just how long Ronan had been interested in him. 

“There,” Gansey said with satisfaction. “Just keep that smile in place, and we’ll have you an internship before the hour is up.”


End file.
